An open letter to friends and family

On March 12th, 2018 a video of me was posted to YouTube by the Canadian CTV W5 investigative news program in connection with their coverage of the ongoing child abuse scandal and cover up within the Jehovah’s Witnesses. I was filmed at a support group for former Jehovah’s Witnesses and while I knew there would be some filming for a documentary, I had no idea the scope and coverage it would receive. In case you happen to stumble across this video I wanted to offer some comments about what led me there and why I’m no longer an active Jehovah’s Witness. I titled this post ‘in case you were curious’ since Its been 3 years since I’ve been inactive and you’ve never asked me why, in fact, most of you haven’t spoken to me since. And I’ll emphasize and remind you that, at the time of this post, I am neither reproved, dissociated, or disfellowshipped.

Your lack of inquiry is somewhat curious to me. I assume you believe, according to standard JW beliefs, that I will soon perish in the Great Tribulation unless I come back to the congregation. Why you find no pressing need to reach out and encourage me to return leaves me wondering if a) you were only ever feigning interest, concern, or love for me; b) you think I’m an evil sinner that deserves to die; c) you believe I want nothing to do with you; d) you think talking to me will rob you of your own eternal salvation; or e) you’re just unconcerned with the fate of other humans when God executes judgement on this world.

Having known many of you for nearly 40 years, I struggle to believe that any of those options could be true. I know you all to be kind, loving and decent people. So I’ll prefer to conclude its one of two other options – you’re afraid to ask because you are afraid of your own doubts or you’re afraid to question and think outside the boxes drawn by the organization. If these points strike a chord please read on. If not, you’ll probably want to stop here.

For well over half my life, I can honestly say I was a true blue believer.  I was convinced Armageddon was near and only the most conscientious Jehovah’s Witnesses would survive. I counted myself lucky to be one of the few raised in the one true religion. And it never crossed my mind that any of the other seven billion men, women, and children were somehow being dealt a bad hand by not having the same luck as me. But needless to say, a lot has changed since then.

I wish my deconversion was as quick as Saul’s conversion on the damascene road, but it was a long, drawn out, and messy affair. Having not kept a journal on the process, it would be impossible for me to accurately, even approximately, recount exactly how it happened. So I’ll simply point to a few things as near as I can remember them.

A significant impression was made when I joined a multicultural, moderately religious, and freethinking workforce. I met people that held as deeply entrenched beliefs as my own with entirely different theological as eschatological foundations. Most held to these beliefs from childhood. I engaged in discussions, sometimes debates, trying to convince them of the correctness of my own faith over theirs. I’d score the odd point here or there, but the exercise was entirely futile. I eventually had to ask, would I respond any differently if I was the n their shoes? Would I hold as strongly to false beliefs simply because that’s how I was raised? Eventually it hit me, perhaps I was holding to false beliefs because that’s how I was raised.

That seed of doubt didn’t grow right away, but it stayed there in hibernation for a long time. It would take me 15 years to shed my faith. To reject the bible as the inerrant word of god. To accept evolution and natural selection as better explanations than Intelligent Design. To accept this life is all there is, that there is no god, no heaven, no paradise. And frankly, to become a more compassionate, empathetic, accepting, and moral human being.

My deconversion was a rocky road. A path of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. Two failed marriages, isolation, attempted suicide, arrests, rehab and therapy. I have been the cliche the organization says you will become, and I’m still putting my life back together.

I was told by someone that I just didn’t have it in my heart to want The Truth. I cannot take this as anything but an insult. The path above began when I decided to face my doubts and ‘make the truth my own’. A search that began with the bible and the organizations’ literature. But their answers always left me wanting, and any inquiry beyond what was written was simply dismissed. These were all answers that could not be questioned.

So I committed a taboo. I started to consider what others were saying about the bible, religion, and faith in general. I began to study a body of research, inquiry, and study that’s accumulated over the last 300 years. I looked into the origins of the faith I was part of and into the origins of faith and religion in general. Things began to fall into place, answers started making sense, and they all led to the conclusions above.

Of course this is just what the organization will say if you put credence into any of these ‘wordly’ sources. But I’d ask you this very simple question. If you’re buying a car and the dealer tells you: don’t listen to what any other dealers tell you; don’t believe anything negative you might read about us; anything bad someone might say is us just lies; we’re the only dealer in the world that tells the truth and never lies; just take it all on our authority. Would you seriously buy a car from them? Now ask yourself if these statements could apply to the organization dictating your faith.

I can’t distill into this post the thousands of hours of research and reading I’ve put into discovering what really is true. Even if I could, I wouldn’t. I’m convinced the truth is only something you can come to through your own honest research. Something you will only discover if you are brave enough to be curious. I hope you will, I love you, and I miss you.