Over the years, I had a few friends leave the religion. I did, as all my friends are doing now, almost pretend it never happened. But through an odd series of events, I wound up keeping contact with someone who left and was, well still is, a close personal friend of my JW wife’s (long story). For the most part, talk of the religion would seldom come up, but whenever it did, my wife would always tell me after, why can’t he just leave well enough alone. I’m embarrassed by it now, but I felt the same.

And now that I’m on the other side of the ledger, I’ve heard these questions a few times myself. Why can’t you go quietly? Why speak out? It’s fine if I don’t want the truth, but I better not say anything negative about it.

My first response to this line of question is: I have gone quietly. I can count with one finger how many times I’ve spoken up or against the religion to JW friends or family. It’s hard to imagine anyone thinking I’m an angry apostate, especially when I haven’t spoken to any former JW friends in over a year. Yet, here it is, by saying anything at all, I’ve committed some grievous sin, something unimaginable to most dutiful JWs.

As I’ve alluded to in earlier posts, I began to have serious doubts about my faith fifteen years ago. For many of those years, I suppressed those doubts by either forcing them out of my mind, rationalizing they would be cleared up in the fullness of time (aka ‘waiting on Jehovah’), or, my most effective go to, self medicating with alcohol.

I remained silent about my doubts. For reasons obvious to anyone who’s been a JW, doubts about the faith are not healthy indicators. Doubts mean you’re spiritually weak, haven’t been doing personal study, and a sure way to be labeled as bad association. The motto was to doubt your doubts, not your faith. But every meeting I attended, every hour spent knocking on doors, every assembly or convention, these doubts were front and center and eating away at me. And still I was silent.

I should add, that while on the way to becoming a serious alcoholic, I was also deeply depressed. I didn’t realize it at the time, and I had no clue as to the root cause, but I was in a continual state of borderline suicidal depression. Not knowing what, if anything, I could do about it, I sought help in the form of antidepressants. They had helped me before, when my first JW marriage fell apart (something for another post). I hoped they’d help again.

I can also say from experiences with ‘the help of the elders’, I knew that the idea of them providing any meaningful assistance was total bull shit. The recipe to any problem was always, more bible reading, more personal study, persistent meeting attendance, and door knocking. They’re help amounted to curing sickness with more of the cause of the sickness. Kind of like homeopathy, only their undiluted ‘oil’ was really 100% poison.

So between antidepressants, increasing alcohol abuse, and pushing my head further into the sand, life went on – rinse and repeat – for 10 years. All the time suffering in silence. Knowing there was something seriously wrong, but either unwilling or too afraid to face the potential consequences for speaking out about my doubts.

If you’ll grant me then, a slow departure from the faith over the last 15 years, I have gone silently. As per an earlier post, I doubt a single former friend could sight any accurate reason for me leaving, again, they’ve never even asked how I’m doing.

However, since facing my doubts, I’ve seen the extent of the deceit. I’ve come to see I’m a drop in an ocean of former witnesses. Many still silent, fearful of losing what remains of relationships with still in JWs. But many are speaking up. Speaking out against the abuses, speaking out about the deceit, and telling their stories. Some hoping to break friends and family free, some shining light on harmful Watchtower policies, and others helping the newly departed navigate into a real and meaningful life after Watchtower.

I’m still uncertain about my motives for wanting to say anything. But through 15 years of silence, I can attest that keeping quiet is a poisonous prescription. For the sake of my sanity I need to speak about my experience. And since I can’t speak about it with any of my, now former, friends and family, this seems like the best way.

Freedom from the religion has produced other freedoms, ones I would have never connected before. I’m free from the cycle of addiction, and I’m finally free from dependence on antidepressants. These freedoms have come at a high price, have taken considerable time and effort, and have not always yielded a steady upward trajectory. But man, has it been worth it. I’m overwhelmed with feelings and emotions and, for the first time in a very, very, long time, know life is actually worth living. Surely that is reason enough to speak.

But I think the reality of why still believing JWs do not want me to speak up, is for the simple reason they cannot. Speaking against anything suspect in the religion is strictly off limits, something you’re reminded of on a daily basis. So perhaps the biggest reason for speaking up now is the simple fact that I can. I can be quiet when I’m dead. But while I can still draw breath, I will speak and no one can tell me to go quietly.